The Incident of the Pantless Co-Worker

undiesI will be one of the first ones to say that pants are complete BS… Most pants are uncomfortable, are very constricting, and certainly do not allow for optimal relaxation. When given the choice, I will take leggings over jeans any day. (I do not consider leggings to be pants; they are a different category all together since they are so comfortable).

Since it is obviously not socially acceptable to walk around out in public sans pants, I do actually wear them, especially when it is too cold for skirts or dresses. However, when I am at home it’s pretty much fact that I am either curled up in a baggy pair of sweats (also not considered pants) or just chilling in my underwear. As soon as I step in my front door, boom off come the pants!

That being said I am also a strong advocate for keeping naughty areas covered at all times whilst out in public. I do not want to see someones saggy ass, or cleavage that is so far out there that it looks like it is going to strangle the girl at any moment. Also, ladies (or maybe some men) if you are going to wear leggings makes sure that they are the thick kind and are not see through. No one wants to be at the store shopping for dinner and then all of a sudden get flashed by a full moon.



Now, on to the scary part of this story….


At work there was another writer that used to work there, who was a little bit on the crazy side. This particular individual was a women who was in her early 40’s and somewhat of an airhead. One day at work I happened to look up right as this woman was walking over to sit down at her desk and I noticed that not only was she not wearing pants, but the “long” shirt she was wearing in no way covered her ass. The only thing between me and her pale white ass was a thin and VERY MUCH see through pair of tights. I am not sure if she really didn’t know that people could see her ass, or if she did and just didn’t care. (You would think that she would have felt some sort of breeze?)

In case there is some confusion here, let me make this clear: TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!

But it gets worse…

A little bit later she came over to my desk to talk to me about some website we were working on and for whatever reason, as I am sitting in my desk chair, she sits down on the floor in front of me Indian Style. I of course look down to speak with her and this time I am met by something far worse than a pale, saggy moon. This time ladies and gentleman I am greeted by her no no square, her naughty zone, her va-jj… (Let me tell you, this is not something you can easily erase from your mind. Once it happens there is no unseeing it). There are no words to explain what was going on inside my head at this moment. Shock? Horror? Whatever it was I can assure you that it was in no way a pleasant experience.

So please, I urge you, make sure that if  you are going to go out in public make sure that you are fully covered. No one wants to go through an incident like the one mentioned above. If you want to lay around naked in your home, by all means go for it. Just be sure to keep that shit to yourself, no matter how good you think you look…

Note: For those of you that may be thinking that it was mean not to tell her we could see through her “pants”, we actually did pull her aside to make her aware of this situation once we knew what we were dealing with.



Look I’m Martha Fing Stewart….

I am just going to come right out and say it: I am a plant killer…

History has shown that house plants and I just don’t mix. Ever since moving out on my own I have bought many plants, thinking I can for sure keep at least one alive, but I have had no such luck. I have killed like 4 cacti at this point… How in the hell do you kill a cactus? Don’t you just have to set it in the sunlight and water it like once a month?

At this point I’m not sure if they are committing suicide because I have failed to provide them with an adequate living environment or if it’s because I sometimes totally forget I have plants and they don’t get watered for about a week. (Thank god I don’t have a child because at this point it wouldn’t stand a chance).

Regardless of the many many dumpster plant funerals, I decided that this spring/summer I would start an herb and vegetable garden on my small apartment deck. So off I went to home depot, returning with a variety of different herbs, pepper plants, a tomato plant, and a strawberry plant. Along with tons of dirt and pots for all these new plants.

Note: I have no idea why I got a strawberry plant other than it looked cute and the idea of growing my own strawberries sounded pretty damn cool. However, I will be shocked if I actually get any fruit from this plant, I fully expect an early death. 

Anyway, I got everything planted in their own cute little individuals pots and I have to say it was quite fun. I never really got gardening; like why would someone put so much time into something that was going to die in a few months, only to redo it again each year. However, now I can see what all the excitement is all about. I come home from work each day to water my plants and eagerly check to see if I have any veggies yet.

Happy to report that I have spotted two tomatoes growing and much to my surprise a strawberry!

I am hopeful that these plant will not meet the unfortunate fate that all of my previous house plants have met before then end of summer. In the meantime I am anxiously awaiting my first harvest!

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First attempt at a garden